Jocelyn Rivas
I definitely felt your excitement, from the anxious wait to finally meeting your new siblings. Your descriptions are very vivid when it comes to the house. It reminds me of a tour at the museum, where everything is unfamiliar yet thrilling to see for the first time.
I like how you went into small details such as the “small juice stain on the white rug.” I could personally relate to your essay, especially at the end of the second paragraph where you state how much you wanted a sister.
In the first paragraph you mention that home never felt like home. I think it’d be helpful if you gave an example of what was missing in the home, why did you feel so empty? Was it just the constant moving?
In the second paragraph, you described both the dining and living room as “cute.” I think if you go into a little more detail as to what it is that makes the dining and living room appealing, your essay would be stronger.
Overall, the memoir flowed well and wasn’t difficult to read. The order in which you placed things made sense. It’s very clear how much your sister and home mean to you.
Towards the end you mentioned that your sister became a “built in best friend.” I think it would help if you give an example of a moment you bonded with her, maybe a scene playing with the Barbie dolls you were so excited to see.
At the end you could also add a really powerful sentence like “I’ve lived in many houses but there’s only one I’ve had the chance to call home.” A sentence along those lines could be made into its own paragraph to further emphasize the emotional attachment you have to it.